hi,so another long while has passed since i have blogged.in that time my dad,my mum have died and little Max my grandson continues to grow.He is now 17 months,and attending nursery.His mummy,Emma has gone back to work and Max is AT  nursery where she works.She has finished with uni at long last,and now holding down a full time job.Her marriage is holding up well.They continue to live in slough ,which is so hard for me to get to,I miss them so much when I don't see them.I haven't seen them since April.
Alex has just resat his English and maths exams at college,he has another four weeks left and that will be it,he will be let loose in the world.Whatever will he do ?I am so worried about his future.I am so sick of hearing other people boast about what heir teenage and adult kids are doing,I can only dreamof a happy secure future for my son,he so deserves it,but the future doesn't look good most special kids are still at home,jobless a few years after leaving college.he has applied for voluntary work and joined the YMCA,so hopefully that will keep him busy.
I have been keeping myself busy.I have been doing plenty crochet and knitting and tapestry,without it I may go stir crazy.I have recent finishes,a bunny, scarf,and currently on the needles is  cardigan for little Max.
My health continues to worry me.I have PPDCM and my last scan was showing  a drop in my heart function so I have to have a MRI scan now to see what going on.I feel so depressed and worried about it,I want to be here to see little Max grow up,and I am not wanting to deteriorate any further.
I have just spent a few days completely on my own that has made me feel very low,I really feel the loss of my mum and dad and feel even more alone than ever.My eyesight is deteriorating with the glaucoma,and now my hearing has become remarkably worse despite my hearing aids.I am slowly falling apart and it seems no one notices or cares very much.One good thing is I have lost four and a half pounds, so only another four stone to go.I feel so fat,ugly and past it.I was alone in my marriage and very lonely when he turned to someone else but thatsnothing to how i feel now, just empty and sad and worthless.
There has continued to be no love interest  confidence is at a all time low so I am keeping very much to myself and withdrawing from my usual activities.Everyone else seems to have good lives with no worries why do I have so little  to  feel good about.I just feel too fucked over to ever be worth someone loving me.will things ever change for the positive for US?


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